I think I lost at least 50 IQ points today whilst I waited in the checkout queue at my local supermarket. Had I waited longer than 10 minutes, I would have been in serious danger. In waiting for my turn I unwittingly picked up and flipped through one of the ‘women’s’ magazines, strategically positioned in the hope that if you start reading it you‘ll soon realise that you can’t live without it and, clutching it tightly to your breast like a life-buoy, you will need to purchase it. A life changing ‘must have’.
I should have realised in reading the cover that coma inducing text lay within. But, stupidly, I opened it anyway. Little brain synapses began exhaling before filling themselves up with gas and then farting into what was becoming an empty cavern of a skull. My eyes glazing over as I skimmed the glossy pages. I can’t believe Brittney Spears is thinking of getting married a third time! After months of trying to pull together a wedding all I can suggest is: elope.
Do ‘normal’ women really read or want this crap? Perhaps I’m not normal. Where are the investigative papers on the unsolved disappearance of Madeline McCann? Or a journalistic exposé on the central banks involvement in the global financial crisis? Or the biographical articles on Ngawang Sangdrol, a recently released nun and political prisoner in Tibet, for ‘counter-revolutionary crimes’. I sincerely hope she knows that orange is the new black and can update her wardrobe accordingly, so to avoid being a fashion faux-pas. Yes, I am quite enamoured by hard hitting articles, especially ones concerning the law, crime, politics or social culture. Oooh Ashton Kutcher is cheating on Demi. Whoops! There goes another brain cell and all my cognitive function is inching closer to complete shutdown, keeping in pace with the checkout conveyor belt.
Perhaps the design behind these magazines is to keep women ‘fat, dumb and happy’. The magazines are, indeed, a little demoralising and patronising. Please, give me information and words that feed my brain and nourish my soul. And, once I have consumed that I can then go on Christina Aguilera’s diet and lose 30 kilos in 30 days simply by reducing all food intake to only consist of celery. Or perhaps the magazines are all about escapism, getting lost in the epic tales of celebrity and the dazzling fashions that are ill-afforded. What are women escaping from exactly?
The apparent need for security; physically, socially, professionally and financially, means we have become increasingly voyeuristic, too busy to really live, too frigid to really love, caged in our homes and yet desperate to be part of the world, it’s people and history. I say, put down the trash filled magazine and walk out your front door – but only if your star sign is Capricorn. In today’s horoscope Capricorns are encouraged to ‘walk on the wild side’. All other star signs are to remain indoors, relatively safe from harmful intelligence.
Oh goody, a sodoku.
fringeofsanity 
April 9th, 2011 at 5:35 pm
If it makes you feel better, I think most people can read a little gossip without being demoralised and can happily continue on with their worldly pursuits.
April 9th, 2011 at 5:57 pm
Agree. Although what’s the point in gossip? In the end doesn’t gossip just tear asunder? So, I still fail to see how the need or want enhances one life. But each to their own, I don’t judge people for buying it, I just don’t have time for it.
April 9th, 2011 at 11:51 pm
Ahh yes but we need to know whose marrying / cheating on who. These things help keep the people feeling better about their lifes apparently. Totally agree about the whole gossip part it sells these low grade magazines but if it was real then surely Brad Pitt would be married to Mrs Gillard by now the amount of time he and Angelina have been about to split in last 5 years. I am sure they already have the Wills and Kate on the rock stories pre printed ready to run then first time one of them is seen in public alone… Personally I hate the media reporters they live their jaded lives telling people the truth from their point of view. Having seen the press at work in Iraq and Afghanistan I know they are more interested in the innocent dead than the fact the innocent dead sometimes arent bloody innocent at all having found one myself with 2 used grenade pins in their pocket and an AKM not more than a foot away from the body.
Reporters, lawyers, Politicians and anyone who works in a Gym with the look at my golden body pose are the first against the wall come the revolution Comrades 🙂
Personally only magazines i will buy to keep me busy on flights and journeys on a regular basis are Mad, Time Life and the odd reader digest though they arent as good as they used to be.
April 18th, 2011 at 3:48 pm
Interesting article,I never really get the magazine thing at the supermarket. Being a guy I guess I’m not spose to . But seriously I don’t really care about Britney Spear’s marriage or what diet or fashion is in. Don’t women have the intelligence to be able to disiminate between what they want and what they’re being told they want?
After all we’re not sheep.